The original 1966 cartoon “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” was an absolute masterpiece, a staple of Christmas season TV in the days before streaming. It’s probably best known for the diss track “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch”. It’s so iconic that I always forget that it isn’t the title song of the cartoon, coming a full third of the way in.
“You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” is so packed full of sick burns that it’s difficult to pick my favorites. But what other choice do I have?1 Here’s my Top 8:
8. The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote, “Stink, stank, stunk”!
An insult and a conjugation lesson at the same time! Yet, a body-odor insult is kind of weak.
7. Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of rubbish imaginable mangled up in tangled up knots!
Listen, when hurled with Thurl Ravenscroft’s booming bass voice, there’s something to be said for the sheer quantity of words in this burn. But in the end, there’s just not enough vitriol here to be ranked higher. I mean, why does it matter if the rubbish in tangled up knots? What does that add to the insult?
6. You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel
Notably, in a diss track full of metaphors, these are the only similes.
5. Your heart’s an empty hole
Hints at a deeply personal backstory. This one loses some points because it says more about the author’s pain than Mr. Grinch himself. Could be a line from a Dashboard Confessional song.
4. You’re a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce
This one was clearly pandering to children, because while I thought it sounded pretty gross, my Silent Generation grandparents may have actually eaten a sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich. Arsenic Sauce would be a pretty good name for a hot sauce, though.
3. You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile
I can’t imagine the conditions necessary to make a crocodile seasick, but it’s not a flattering comparison. Bonus points for the followup: “Given the choice between the two of you, I’d take the seasick crocodile.”
2. You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch
A delightfully dismissive burn. Coming in the last verse, after two-plus minutes and five verses of over-the-top and graphic insults, it serves to summarize all of Mr. Grinch’s flaws into a basic physical reaction. Probably the most underrated burn in the song.
1. I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole
The specificity here really takes it up a notch. A thirty foot pole probably isn’t long enough. Forty is kind of a boring number. Thirty-nine gets more interesting. Adding the extra half-foot for good measure really drives the point home.
And despite the specificity and randomness of the number, I somehow still easily remember “thirty-nine-and-a-half” all these years later. I think we have our winner!